I Feel Tarnished , Stigmatised & Labelled In Life – What Do I Do ?
viewed negatively by society – how should i handle this ?
i feel known as the local ‘ crazy ‘ .- when i walk around or go anywhere, thats how i worry im viewed like everyone , like some purposeful conspiracy to ostracise me.
to give you a quick summary of my life ive had a very hard, traumatic filled life so far , im 30 now – sadly suffered abuse through out my life and bad times and experiences . bullying , time in a psyche hospital, head injuries , homelessness – all this has happened all through my life with ” no ” respite.
as a result ive missed out badly on life , missed out on forming any relationships, missed out on an education , missed out on ever being employed etc – i have a psychiatric record and a minor criminal record.
ive had a tortured existence so far, and now i live in a one bedroom small apartment on disability state benefit, i own no material possessions except for an old desktop computer.
i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bad ptsd symptoms, im presently waiting to be refered to a local group therapy place because there’s no DBT in my area.
so im 30 now , and starting from scratch in life , with a disadvantaged past , i look way older than i once did , have a more lived in look – have a few physical worries going on right now: cracked torn skin over the ‘ head ‘ of my penis , waiting to see a professor for a 3rd opinion after the last dermatologist said it wasnt any skin disorder…..torn ankle ligaments after a bad sprain a year ago, was told it will take time to heal, the ankle is very weak, have to be careful how i walk on it..
was told the torn cracked skin could be as a result of excessive masturbation that ive done for as long as i can remember , over 12 times a day , everyday..
unfortunatly ive had a history of bad rage and aggressive outbursts, due to the fact i was bullied severly , also psychologically and i bottled up anger for years – i used to just lose it public, push people over , have a rage attack, act like a crazy , cause myself to be publically embarressed , attacked by strangers, people would point and laugh, id be ostracised every where, put myself in very dangerous situations , cautioned by the police , attacked by thug types etc.
for years ive greatly improved in controlling these rage attacks, this is years ago now , and since i have been actively seeking help, an assesment and diagnosis, which hopefully now i have..
the rage outbursts in the past seem to happen like i didnt plan them, they wernt pre meditated , id just set out to go out , id feel full of anxiety and panic , feel paranoid , jealous of happy people around mme , feel shut out of society , anger would build up like a pressure cooker , id feel strangelly disconnected from my surroundings and spaced out – then id just erupt with these rage outbursts…
inspite of everything ive been through i still have high ambitions and goals to emigrate from england with a good paying computer job , and to find a partner and to live in a hot climate near the coast………this is my number one goal still.
but look at me , i feel to disadvantaged because of my past , to far left behind in life , feel like im starting too late , and more worse ; viewed negatively by society around me , known as the local crazy or weirdo to avoid and socially exclude..
how can i deal with that ? how can i achieve the life i want and my dreams at this late stage ? how do i combat peoples perceptions and predjudices towards me ?
people can be very aloof and standoffish with me in general, non accepting , theyve been like this with me for a while but ive just tried to ignore it – carry on with strength and pride.
theres no way im going to change or be out of character for people to accept me or take me on as some charity case , which is how i feel im treated.
ur not alone my past and present behavior is sometmes “odd” given the stress of mom’s illnes i often dont take geat care of myself and look unkempt. Whem mom is better ( or she pases
( ) we are/i am gonna movecloser to freinds and family and also where i can finf work i have run thru the few employers here a combo of their fault and mine nothin good is left open that i am qualified for here
however most times people are 2 waraped in their own issues to notice me or u anyone else. I also resist help butwill underthe presureof my bother will tkje it cause i cant do it alone nobody can or should have to try
i’ll just answer simply learn from the past, and work for a GOAL in your future.
I think you should try to form a plan. Sounds ambitious, but it is important. You have high goals, but every journey begins with the first step. If you have a goal, plan the journey. How do you get there. People who climbed Mount Everest have to have stations along the way before they make it to the top. Start planning each step. Define the small goals along the way that you need to meet your major goal. Maybe each of these goals require you to make smaller goals.
For example, maybe you need to get any job. Before you get a job, you have to get control of anger issues. Maybe you need to develop scenarios that cause you anger and learn strategies for dealing with them. There are self-help books for anger management that cost no more than $15 or $20 dollars (less in pounds), and the pound is stronger than the dollar, I think.
By meeting smaller goals, you will get the confidence to reach for bigger goals and you will gain the competence to do so.
You can overcome your past and develop a brighter future, but you have to do it. You may not have had the power to prevent the poisoning of your past, but you do have the power to prevent the corruption of your present and future. Do not allow those who poisoned your past to continue poisoning your present and future.
You may not be religious, but consider becoming “religious” because religion can provide a free resource for many problems through their many avenues. It may sound mercenary, but God wants you back.
Ok you’ve had a lot of bad in your life.
You’re getting older and wiser now, though. You need to start getting some positives going on. Don’t jump in the deep end, trying to be a ‘super positive’ person – that’s ridiculous, but do try to DO some things you enjoy. It’ll help to make you feel more balanced.
Go for a bike ride.
Find a course at college you might like.
Or whatever positive thing that is in line with your character.
Such small things can set the ball rolling in the right way.
Let the ball roll!
Remember. A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.
Everyone has that paranoia now and then. And most people have such awful experiences that they feel like their the only ones in the world. Ive been molested by girls when I was little and often gays try to violate my space.
just visit my blog site
blogs.ibibo.com/identity
for some of my experiences tat i can share online ..i try to stay right for the most part, so that if anything happens to me atleast I’d have that to my name.
SO just dont look back ….ur supposed to learn frm ur experiences no let them drag u down….Even though Im telling u this …i let my experiences do just tat to me everyday…i remember every humiliating situation again and again…but im still learning but for u…u dont hav much time…either forgt everything and move on or remember and let urself stagnate without ever getting what u want…
Gosh, sorry to hear that. Its a lot of weight to carry.
I don’t really have a straightforward answer;
but have you considered moving to a different area where people don’t know you so that you can start afresh?
I think it is great that you still have the strength to be positive, and have the desire to fulfill your dreams and ambitions in spite of all that you have been through. ..
Many would have given up.
You have come very far and at 30 its not too late to start out. Keep focusing on what you are good at and keep at it. Not everybody out there is there to judge you, so don’t let that keep you grounded. Things may be tough at the moment, but there is light at the end of the tunnel if keep your focus on your goals and ambitions. They will carry you forward and silence those critics.
I do hope you find your true love who will love and accept you for who you are. All the best.
everyone has something special, I’m sure you have too. with your past its not easy , but out there I’m sure theres someone who needs you ive a son whom i adopted he is also borderline hes loving and affectionate and i wouldn’t change him for all the world. so you’ve made mistakes. who hasn’t. not the end of the world dont look back anymore look ahead and good luck for your future ill pray for you